In this proposal the intended audience for Project IV is: Tourists
Why should your audience care about the topic and your proposal? Because it affects the athletes at the skate park
One thing I think I did well in my proposal is: Make an argument
One thing I am not so sure about in my proposal is: If my solution is legit.
The largest problem that people have at the skate park are spectators and trash. Usually, we have the typical family mother, father and son/daughter come to the park and watch (which is fine). But it becomes a problem when the parents leave their kids unattended at the jaws of bikers pegs and wheels, and skaters jamming the nose of their board into a child’s ankle. Because the skate park is a “ride at your own risk” type of park so you need to keep your eye open at all times. And the trash is crazy. Why do lame people think its cool and funny to throw cigarette butts, wrappers, bottles, and cups into the bowls (the pool looking area that skaters ride in)?
A solution to this matter is to arrest all of them for disorderly conduct! Nah I am just joking. The only thing I could come up with is more laws, or have cleaning service everyday instead of on Sunday. And classes for parents about their kids and the skate park would do the world some wonders, because the middle of a bowl is no place for a kid. Also, the skate park is an enter at your own risk type of deal, so basically if you fall you are responsible for your actions.
1. Read through the proposal. Is the intended audience (as stated in the writer’s statement) evident? How do you know? Also, does the writer use “I think,” “I believe, “I plan..,” or any other redundant phrases. If so, let them know that these need to be changed and/or deleted. You say your intended audience is tourists. However, that is the audience of your end product, which would be the laws, or the signs, etc. Who can make these changes – i.e. laws, signage – happen? That is your audience.
ReplyDelete2. Is there a concise discussion of the subject/topic being proposed? What is the topic and where in the proposal is it first mentioned? It should be in the first two paragraphs. Be sure to format your proposal into paragraphs. Each paragraph should discuss a different idea. You have one paragraph here, but you have at least two or three different ideas going on. Make each idea different paragraph. Once you do this it will be easier for your audience to follow your thought process down to what you are proposing. Because all your ideas are so different, make sure you pick one and go with it for the final.
3. Is there a concise discussion of the intended focus, aka, thesis statement? This is where you can say “In this paper/project I…” What is the intended focus statement, and where does it fall in the proposal (what paragraph?) If there is no intended focus statement be sure to let them know, and also relay what you as the reader see as the possible focus. I think you need to be tougher. You start with a joke, but then move to a statement that “something” needs to be done. Be forthright with your proposal, using language such as “These problems cause XYZ, therefore XXX needs to be done in order for YYY to happen.” If you do not stand your ground, you may lose credibility, and your audience may not take you as seriously as you need to them to.
4. What is the rationale for choosing the subject/topic? Who cares, or should care? Why? This should be outlined in the proposal. If not, let them know, and also relay what you as the reader see as the possible rationale. First, you need to pick a topic. Is it litter or danger? Once that happens you can be more forceful in why someone should care. To the reader, who should care should be the parents. However, the audience is tourists. Therefore it seems to be there needs to be more streamlining of the topic itself.
5. Answer this question:
The writer makes me care about kids in the skate park, by stating that there is a lot of dangerou trash around.
By filling in these blanks, does this answer the question “So what?” Using specific information from the proposal itself, how does it answer it? If it is not clear, let them know. I want to care, but you are not giving me enough info to care fully. I saw this because of language such as “The only thing I could come up with is more laws, or have cleaning service everyday instead of on Sunday. ” You yourself are not sure of what changes need to happen, so why should the audience care? A reader of a proposal wants a strong argument topic, something that they can say, “yes, I care about that because it effects me in XXX way.”